Taking Issue with Issues

Self-Portrait: Part of Nature  

We all have issues. It's part of the human experience. Issues that come up in our lives can be viewed as either a negative, as in an unwelcome problem, or, as a positive, as in a welcomed challenge. If an issue is perceived as a problem, we may want to ignore it. A challenge on the other hand is something we can take on and master.

I think to some degree we are all a bit resistant to identifying our issues. Often times we'll see someone else's issues before we are willing to see our own. We humans are delicate beings. We, and I mean to include myself here, don't look at our issues until an uncomfortable situation arises. A trigger occurs at an unconscious level that connects the unresolved issue of the past with the present situation that brings forth a similar feel to it. I discovered I have an issue with what I perceive to be dominating personalities.

I refer to my own experience from many years ago. I worked nights at a job with a lot of down time. I became friendly with a gal that worked there. We then socialized outside of work. When she got married for the second time, I went to her wedding. I spent time around her and her second husband. Then some years later she moved to another state. I accepted an invitation to come visit. She decided she wanted to go on a vacation without her husband and kids. I was to be her companion for that trip. Well, they say you never really get to know another person until you travel with them. I had travelled many times with friends and enjoyed myself in their company. I had never travelled with her until this visit.

Once I arrived there and started to experience what she was like, there can be no other way but to say, she was a dominating personality. She controlled everything. There was never a question posed to me, “What would you like to do, or where would you like to go or where would you like to eat?” She didn't ask because she had decided on the agenda for our entire trip. I believed at the time that if I tried to suggest something, it would have made things worse. My belief back then was dominating individuals want to stay in control. It was a way of being that was familiar to them. I never thought to ask why she had a need to dominate. I stayed low key and made the best of my situation. I returned home from that trip and made a mental note to never visit her again.

I knew I had a choice. I could tell her I did not appreciate her controlling the trip or I could just let it go since she was not local to me anymore and our friendship was limited by geography. I chose not to deal with her. I suppose I can say in hindsight I did not deal with this issue. The friendship faded into oblivion. Then one day I got a call from her and she said she was getting a divorce. She was very bitter towards her husband for finding someone else to love. I listened as she went on and on about how he did this "to" her. She expressed a lot of anger. She saw herself as a victim. I admit I thought to myself, “well, he finally had enough. Their marriage had worked as long as he was obsequious to her controlling personality ”.

In my opinion it's not a good thing to be a passive personality either. There should be a balance somewhere in the middle.

In the Tao te Ching ( pronounced dow te ching ) translated as THE WAY, it's known as the secret of the middle way. In the book THE UNTETHERED SOUL, the author explains: From science we know that if you pull a pendulum thirty degrees to the right, it will swing back until it's 30 degrees to the left. The same principles drive everything in this world. The ideal place is in the middle where there is no energy pushing in either direction. The Way is the place in which these forces balance quietly. If you want to understand the Tao, take a closer look at what lies between the two extremes. This is because neither extreme can last. How long can a pendulum stay at one of its outermost positions? It can only remain there for a moment. How long can a pendulum stay at rest? It can remain there forever because there are no forces moving it out of balance. That is the Tao. It is the center. It does not mean that it stays static and fixed. Everything has a yin and yang, two extremes to experience. Yet we should not live in the extremes as everything has its own balance point. In yoga we learn the value of flexibility and balance. A metaphor for living.

I recognize that life has a way of presenting us with the issue repackaged in a new setting for another go at it. Perhaps it is another chance to do things differently. Recently I had a trigger relating to that old issue. Upon reflection, I noted the connection between the issue back then and the one I was having now. They were similar though different. The trigger was there for me to bring the unconscious into conscious awareness. Perhaps it was time to challenge an old belief of mine.

We are here to grow and learn from our experiences. A trigger is the bridge between then and now. Awareness of our triggers is a step in the right direction for personal growth.

How Well Do You know Yourself? What are your triggers?

Southern CA Sailing* photo by Mark T. Workman   Copyright

We are all Spiritual beings having a human experience while we are alive. Part of that human experience is becoming aware of our EGO state of mind. When we respond to others from that Ego mind, instead of from Spirit consciousness, we can gain insight into what our triggers are if we pay attention. It's the triggers that let us know what we need to heal within ourselves for personal growth.

One of the things I have learned recently is that we all process information differently. Some process outside stimuli predominantly through their emotions while others through intellectual analysis. I admit I fall into the latter. My left brain takes over wanting to analyze until I exhaust myself. I am working on that.

So I ask the question, "How well do you know yourself and what are your triggers?"

To better explore this topic I have included an example of an individual I came in contact with recently.

At a weekend seminar on Success & Achievement, I recently met a guy named George (not his real name) when we were asked to get in a group to do an exercise. After the exercise we had an opportunity to chat and I mentioned I have a blog. He asked for the URL and brought it up on his phone. At some point he read a bit and I asked him what he thought. He said I needed a stronger hook at the beginning because it took him several sentences before he knew what I was getting at. I considered that it's best not to read a blog on such a small screen. We exchanged emails. I wrote him a short note thanking him for the suggestions he made to improve my blog.

Hi George:

Just want to touch base and say hi.

How are you doing since your intensive weekend?

I want to thank you again for the suggestions re: my blog.

Letting you know I added a gadget for emails and also a "translate" into

other languages gadget. I know there are more things to do and they will come in time.

Here's a link to my blog when you can read it on a larger screen.

http://spiralhappy.blogspot.com

Again, so nice to meet you and share our dream goals with one

another.

See you at the next one…

Best,

Lynne

Hi Lynne,

It was great meeting you. I have been learning lessons from our

conversation. Particularly I wanted to thank you for showing me how to

gracefully receive criticism, and use it to compliment the person

giving it.

It was artfully and soulfully done and I am internalizing it now as a

skill I can develop for myself.

I will spend some more time reading your blog and share any thoughts

that are forthcoming.

All my best,

George

If I had to guess, I would say George has had an issue in the past regarding criticism, either for himself being criticized or when he's criticized another. What struck me when I read his email was that he chose to call it criticism. Criticism is defined in the dictionary as finding fault with. Instead I felt when I asked George for his opinion, he was letting me know how his experience could have been better for him. He was giving an opinion, that's all. I knew that behind the opinion was a good intention. He was trying to be helpful, not find fault.

Perhaps we all best remember that it is our intention behind our communication that should be our guide.

Upon googling the question “How to deal with our EGOS when it is triggered” I came across this site at Spiritual -Experiences.com and want to share what it said:

“How I personally deal with my ego state is to become friends with it. When I feel something that makes my ego react (an insult for example), I allow that feeling to come to the surface (non suppression). I analyze the triggers that then fire off in my brain (adrenaline, fear, etc.) and then I reprogram it with new emotions (love, laughter, and compassion). I allow the initial ego feelings to pass, and then I bring warmth and gratitude to the situation. I either thank the person for giving me this opportunity to grow, or I send them compassion for showing me that they are the pain in me and I am the pain in them. If they attack me, there is hurt in them, if I react, then there is pain in me. Healing is required of us both.

This is a lifelong endeavor. It starts with acknowledgement, lives through understanding and acceptance and finds resolution in love.”

Gratitude to George for allowing me to use his email to help explore this topic. I encourage anyone who would like to know more about EGO & TRIGGERS to do more research.

The Untethered Soul by Michael A. Singer is a wonderful place to start. “The Untethered Soul begins by walking you through your relationship with your thoughts and emotions, helping you uncover the source and fluctuations of your inner energy. It then delves into what you can do to free yourself from the habitual thoughts, emotions, and energy patterns that limit your consciousness. Finally, with perfect clarity, this book opens the door to a life lived in the freedom of your innermost being.”

Thank you for visiting my blog.

What kind of relationship do you have with yourSelf?

The Twilight Hour* photo by Mark T. Workman Copyright

At a recent gathering of women I was asked the following question. With whom in your life do you have your most important relationship with. Without a hesitation I immediately said.. with myself. I cannot imagine any other answer for anybody. Without self- love, self esteem, self care, self respect,.. whatever you want to call it... without this relationship of self connection we are hard pressed to feel connected to others. After all, we can only give what we have to give, and that includes love. To the extent we have love for ourselves, we can give love to others.

I remember going to my local library one day when my least favorite library employee was there behind the front desk. They would keep the extra movie DVDs on a shelf behind the desk when the regular shelves became too crowded. The only problem was that in order to see the titles on the DVDs I had to get in close. I never had an issue with the other library workers when I walked over to these DVDs to take a glance. The whole point of a library is to make books and tapes available. Not to put them on a shelf and say in so many words, haha,.. we have these but we won't let you see them and if you can't see them, you cannot borrow them. On this day I really wanted to find a movie I could take home and watch. As I approached the front desk to where I could get a better view of the titles, this library employee, without so much as a smile, just said... oh you aren't allowed back here. She did not care to ask how she could be of service. It was like she lived for the moment when she could reprimand someone for doing a bad thing. I just looked back at her and without saying a word, went to the back of the library and found the librarian on duty. I explained to him what just happened. He didn't act surprised and he didn't have to ask which employee I was talking about. He knew. It was the lady who had no love for anybody, probably because she had no love for herself. I know that initially I felt annoyed that this woman would hinder my ability to borrow a DVD. After discussing the situation with an enlightened friend I came to understand the dynamic behind why she would treat me and others like this. Instead of annoyance I came to have compassion. Imagine going through life not smiling all day while at your workplace and not connecting with others. I was lucky. I was just a visitor to this library. The other employees had to endure her energy all day long. I know this because I had gotten to familiarize myself with most of the people working there. When they saw how she treated me, they understood all too well and let me know. Eventually she got transferred to another branch and I could tell how relieved they were. Her energy was heavy and dark. Bottom line: Have compassion for those who do not see that there is a light available to everyone. They just have to know they are in the dark. Would she do better if she knew better?Probably.

In the book, “Living in Process, Basic Truths for Living the Path of the Soul”, by Anne Wilson Schaef, there is a chapter called Being An Individual. This is a quote from that chapter. “As individuals, our lives exist to be lived. We are the process of that living. As we live our process, we become who we can be.”

“We have inside of us from the very beginning everything we need to be who we can be. We have everything we need to heal. We have everything we need to grow. We have everything we need to evolve. We have everything we need to handle the mistakes we make and learn from them. We have everything we need to realize our spiritual selves. We are like the universe in a drop of water, and we are the process of that universe.

We humans are creative and have devised many ways not to live our process, and sooner or later, we long to return to the process of ourselves.”

I have found one good way to return to the process of oneself is to be still. Spending quiet alone time meditating. Its important to create the space for divine guidance to come through. As human beings we may find ourselves alone, but as spiritual beings we are never far from Source. By setting an intention during meditation, the guidance comes through the listening process. If we are too busy throughout the day and never get still enough to be intimate with our process, how are we to learn who we are?

“ When we allow ourselves the space in which to learn truly who we are, the good, and the bad, the acceptable and the unacceptable, we come to know what is and that's what is important. It's only from what is that we're able to move to what can be. If we will not or cannot explore and accept the what is, we are doomed to be stuck. Paradoxically, it's only as we accept our truth, who we are, that we have the possibility of changing. Intimacy with self in an externally focused society is not easy, yet, this is where we must start”. “ Many believe that we find out who we are in relationships. Not true! We must have a self to bring to the relationship in order to establish a relationship with someone else. If we are looking to the relationship to define us, we're simply using it as a quick fix and it is doomed to fail. Relationships aren't meant to tell us who we are.Relationships can add to who we are, they can never define who we are.”

Many thanks to Anne Wilson Schaef for taking on this subject in LIVING IN PROCESS. She has also created the Center for Living in Process in Boulder, Montana. 

To Be Happy Or Not To Be Happy* Your decision

Once in a blue Moon* Photo by Mark T. Workman Copyright

WE have all heard of Unconditional Love. How about Unconditional Happiness?

How many of us are really “unconditionally” happy? Just as unconditional love is not dependent on circumstances, neither is unconditional happiness. What does unconditional happiness even look like?

Can you say .. I am happy even in the midst of “less than desirable” events occurring in my life?

In his book, The Untethered Soul, Michael A. Singer explains in the chapter called The Path of Unconditional Happiness, that we have a choice in this life, and its to decide whether we want to be happy or not. Its not about your job, your love life, or whether you have great finances. You make one basic, underlying decision: Do you want to be happy, or do you not want to be happy? Its simple. You are being asked to give an unconditional answer. No matter what happens to you, can you remain happy? Once you make the choice, your path through life becomes totally clear.

He explains that most people don't dare give themselves that choice because they think it's not under their control. For example, someone might say, I want to be happy but I got let go from my job. Or, I want to be happy but my spouse left me. Or, I want to be happy but I need more money in order to feel that way. So they want to be happy but don't think they can be if they lose a job or a partner. The reality is that if you say Yes, I want to be happy, then external circumstances do not have to determine your state of happiness. If you allow events that you have no control over to determine your happiness, then you are saying I want to be happy and I have a deep seated set of preferences that determine it. Switch your thinking to simply “I want to be Happy” and stay happy no matter what challenges life throws you.

Interestingly enough, once you make the decision to remain unconditionally happy, life will test that commitment. Something will happen that challenges you. According to Singer, this test of your commitment is exactly what stimulates spiritual growth. This unconditional aspect of your commitment makes this the highest path. You decide whether or not to break your vow. When everything is going well in your life, its easy to be happy. When difficulty enters the picture, its not so easy. “ I didn't know the battery would die on me, or I didn't know I'd miss my flight, or I didn't know somebody would dent my new car”. Things will happen. The question, he says, is whether you want to be happy regardless of what happens. Events don't determine whether or not we're going to be happy unless you let them. You determine whether or not you're going to be happy. You can be happy just to be alive. We can choose happiness no matter what happens. I suppose he would say, sure, be sad for a pet that's sick or even dies, but do not live there. The purpose of your life is to enjoy and learn from your experiences. You were not put on Earth to suffer. You can be happy while still having all these things happen to you. If you live this way, your heart will be so open and your Spirit will be so free, you will walk the highest spiritual path in this life. If you want to be happy, let go of the part of you that wants to create melodrama. This is the part of you that thinks there's a reason not to be happy. Once you transcend this you will awaken to the higher aspects of your being. Committing yourself to unconditional happiness will teach you every single thing there is to learn about yourself, about others, and about the nature of life. Every time a part of you begins to get unhappy, let it go. Use affirmations. Meditate. Pray. Whatever you need to stay open. If you look within, you will see that when you are happy, your heart is open, and energy rushes up inside of you. When you aren't happy, your heart feels closed and no energy comes up inside. You get to choose how energy comes in and leaves your body. An open heart vs a closed heart. You choose.

I do believe we create disease in our bodies when we are closed. Dis-ease is the opposite of ease. When we are not in a state of “allowing” life to happen, when we try to fight the allowing, our bodies manifest that dis-ease and we get sick. Illness is our body's way of letting us know we are closed and energy is trapped within. We are energy beings having a human experience.

Do you have anyone in your life that you know remains happy even when life throws them a curve ball, regardless of what happens? Perhaps you are that person. What a blessing!

Many thanks to Michael A. Singer for writing The Untethered Soul. If you enjoyed this post and want to have a "journey beyond yourself", & learn more about the nature of consciousness, then this book is for you.