Taking Issue with Issues

Self-Portrait: Part of Nature  

We all have issues. It's part of the human experience. Issues that come up in our lives can be viewed as either a negative, as in an unwelcome problem, or, as a positive, as in a welcomed challenge. If an issue is perceived as a problem, we may want to ignore it. A challenge on the other hand is something we can take on and master.

I think to some degree we are all a bit resistant to identifying our issues. Often times we'll see someone else's issues before we are willing to see our own. We humans are delicate beings. We, and I mean to include myself here, don't look at our issues until an uncomfortable situation arises. A trigger occurs at an unconscious level that connects the unresolved issue of the past with the present situation that brings forth a similar feel to it. I discovered I have an issue with what I perceive to be dominating personalities.

I refer to my own experience from many years ago. I worked nights at a job with a lot of down time. I became friendly with a gal that worked there. We then socialized outside of work. When she got married for the second time, I went to her wedding. I spent time around her and her second husband. Then some years later she moved to another state. I accepted an invitation to come visit. She decided she wanted to go on a vacation without her husband and kids. I was to be her companion for that trip. Well, they say you never really get to know another person until you travel with them. I had travelled many times with friends and enjoyed myself in their company. I had never travelled with her until this visit.

Once I arrived there and started to experience what she was like, there can be no other way but to say, she was a dominating personality. She controlled everything. There was never a question posed to me, “What would you like to do, or where would you like to go or where would you like to eat?” She didn't ask because she had decided on the agenda for our entire trip. I believed at the time that if I tried to suggest something, it would have made things worse. My belief back then was dominating individuals want to stay in control. It was a way of being that was familiar to them. I never thought to ask why she had a need to dominate. I stayed low key and made the best of my situation. I returned home from that trip and made a mental note to never visit her again.

I knew I had a choice. I could tell her I did not appreciate her controlling the trip or I could just let it go since she was not local to me anymore and our friendship was limited by geography. I chose not to deal with her. I suppose I can say in hindsight I did not deal with this issue. The friendship faded into oblivion. Then one day I got a call from her and she said she was getting a divorce. She was very bitter towards her husband for finding someone else to love. I listened as she went on and on about how he did this "to" her. She expressed a lot of anger. She saw herself as a victim. I admit I thought to myself, “well, he finally had enough. Their marriage had worked as long as he was obsequious to her controlling personality ”.

In my opinion it's not a good thing to be a passive personality either. There should be a balance somewhere in the middle.

In the Tao te Ching ( pronounced dow te ching ) translated as THE WAY, it's known as the secret of the middle way. In the book THE UNTETHERED SOUL, the author explains: From science we know that if you pull a pendulum thirty degrees to the right, it will swing back until it's 30 degrees to the left. The same principles drive everything in this world. The ideal place is in the middle where there is no energy pushing in either direction. The Way is the place in which these forces balance quietly. If you want to understand the Tao, take a closer look at what lies between the two extremes. This is because neither extreme can last. How long can a pendulum stay at one of its outermost positions? It can only remain there for a moment. How long can a pendulum stay at rest? It can remain there forever because there are no forces moving it out of balance. That is the Tao. It is the center. It does not mean that it stays static and fixed. Everything has a yin and yang, two extremes to experience. Yet we should not live in the extremes as everything has its own balance point. In yoga we learn the value of flexibility and balance. A metaphor for living.

I recognize that life has a way of presenting us with the issue repackaged in a new setting for another go at it. Perhaps it is another chance to do things differently. Recently I had a trigger relating to that old issue. Upon reflection, I noted the connection between the issue back then and the one I was having now. They were similar though different. The trigger was there for me to bring the unconscious into conscious awareness. Perhaps it was time to challenge an old belief of mine.

We are here to grow and learn from our experiences. A trigger is the bridge between then and now. Awareness of our triggers is a step in the right direction for personal growth.